It's coming to the end of the year. It's at that point where I'm starting to panic about Christmas shopping, and I have an obscene amount of Christmas cards to mail off to different parts of the world. And that's what the rest of the year will consist of; panicking about Christmas. I always feel slightly nervous when those first batch of Christmas lights go up at the start of November and the weather starts to get a little colder.

I feel like this blog was so that I could remember the good times in my life, and the painful ones. This blog has been with me for three years. It's seen my break up with Wardy, my break up with Cam, it's seen me at my lowest. But it's also been there through some of the best times of my life.

My life, right now, is at a complete stand still. I'm no further forward than I was at the start of summer. Similarly, I'm no further back. I need to work some stuff out, and then I hope that I can start keeping a blog that will be worth while. I want to start living my life, but I want to remember it. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a new blog and start over from the beginning.

I'll keep you posted in my own way.

Honestly, I haven't done a whole lot. I started playing Mass Effect, I started watching a lot more anime, and I came to Wolverhampton for Freshers week because I missed everyone. I'm actually leaving in a couple of days, so while Iain's gone for a bit to play Magic, I thought I might as well do a catch up. I did miss you blog, not going to lie. I'm only going to make this a brief post, up until yesterday, which will be in an entirely new post. Anyway.

There's been a lot of drinking, and the injuries to go with them.

So, Sunday. I met an American guy called Geoff at Oceana, and he was awesome. I smoked American cigarettes and they were strange. He was really cool though, we talked about Zelda and how we were both big Nintendo gamers. It was really awesome, and he was sweet.

Monday was Babylon. That's where the injuries come from because I fell over in Asda car park, and grazed the back of my hand pretty badly. It's Sunday now and healing up pretty well. Still hurts though. Was an alright day.

Tuesday I went to see Kris for a bit but didn't go out. I couldn't be bothered and my hands were still really fucking hurting from the night before.

Wednesday, I stayed in with Iain. I started my catch up on Pokémon (finally finished this morning) I had a really nice time, because I feel like I've barely seen him while I've been here.

Thursday was a long day. I went to the Societies Fayre, got some more members for the anime club, hang out for a while and caught up with people. It was really great seeing Megan, Gabriella, Lee, Chris, Paul and Cam again for the first time in months. I had cake from J-Soc, and it sounds like J-Soc is going to be amazing this year. After that, I went to hang out with Kris again, and we went to Planet, which was awesome. Iain was there and we had a lovely little chat in the smoking area, and that was great. Had Pizza with Polly afterwards (she's a fresher, and really lovely) and then got home at about 5 in the morning.

Friday was a relaxing day for me. I had a go on Dance Central because Qamar bought his Kinect over, and it was fun. I watched the end of No. 6 (had no attachment to that series, but it still nearly brought me to tears) and Usagi Drop (I hope that there's so much more of that). More Pokémon, and I was in bed by about 9pm.

And that's where I'm going to leave this catch up. I feel a little rusty on the whole blogging thing, but I still have Gamefest to talk about, and it'll be awesome~!

Right. Before I talk about Wolverhampton, this is what I've been doing with my time.

I've spent hours catching up with Ao No Exorcist. I've read an obscene amount of NxTouko fanfiction. I've spent around 24 hours playing on Eternal Sonata. I've been treating myself a little bit with my money, so I have a few more games now. I've been hyping myself up for Amecon 2012, and trying to decide on who I should cosplay. I've been playing on The Sims 3. I've watched a lot of Zero Punctuation. I've spent a scary amount of time finding pictures of Yuya Matsushita to reblog on Tumblr. I watched a couple of episodes of Kamisama Dolls. I rewatched the last few episodes of Gurren Lagann (-sob-). That's about it to be honest.

Oh, and there was Gay Pride. It was about as strange as I remember it being.

So, I went to Wolverhampton a little over a week ago for 6 days, and it was a lot of fun. Though it was a little bitter sweet because it's kind of reminded me how much things can change.

I arrived just before 8 and Iain met me at the train station. We went to Asda for a few supplies and got back and chilled out for the evening, just catching up. We played on a bit of Soul Calibur 3, and I was kind of awesome at it. I think he was having a bit of an off day with the game, but still. Saw Lewis, and Ben, caught up a bit.

Me and Iain decided to have a few hours in Wolverhampton. We went around Forbidden Planet, Waterstones and WHSmiths. I bought him a book from the clearance at WHSmiths for £1 as part of his birthday present, because I'm cheap. I bought the Blue Exorcist Manga for myself for the train ride back. Went to Asda again, went home and spent the rest of the day relaxing, because we'd somehow managed to be out for a good few hours. I watched what had been released of Usagi Drop with Lewis and it was adorable.

Saturday was a kind of early start for me because I was going to Birmingham to see Kris! I hadn't seen him since May. We spent the day shopping and catching up. I bought Eden of the East on DVD, as well as a film called Sky Crawlers. We had Subway and he made fun of what I usually have. It was a really lovely day, all in all. I came back, met Iain at Asda again, and then when we got home, I bullied him and Lewis into watching the entirety of Eden of the East with me. The dub was awesome.

Iain, Lewis and Qamar went to Forbidden Planet for Magic, while I stayed at home with the Xbox and a selection of anime. I managed to finish [C] The Money of Soul and Possibility Control, and get through a good portion of Deadman Wonderland (which was disgusting, and I hated a few of those episodes) before they came back. Watched an episode of Usagi Drop which brought me up to date, and the Eden of the East movie. After Lewis went to bed, me, Iain, Scarlett and later Ben had a good long conversation about pretty much everything for like, 3 hours or something, and I had a really good time.

Literally, fuck all happened. I was supposed to meet up with Cam but that ended up falling through. So I spent pretty much all day on Black Ops with Iain and Qamar. I suck so badly.

My last full day, and Iain's 26th Birthday~! We had tea and toast, and Qamar came around with a bag full of food, a cake and Suckerpunch on DVD as his gifts, which was really sweet. We played on a lot of games. We played on a little Halo, then more Black Ops. Then we went off to meet up with Lee, bought alcohol, came back and played on a lot of games. I played an awesome game of Hexic HD, then we watched Suckerpunch which made me cry. Good film though.

Then we got horrifically drunk (me and Iain polished off a bottle of Bacardi Gold Rum and a bottle of Sminoff Ice). We played never have I ever, which I barely remember. Iain set a toilet roll on fire and waved it around, and we had a fight when I went into the bathroom with the tens of toilet rolls that were on the floor. Then I went to bed. I don't really remember much, but I was pretty fucked.

I went home. I hated saying goodbye to Iain again and I was trying so hard not to cry because I hate crying on my own in public. I read Ao no Exorcist on the train, and it was awesome. Then randomly, Simon was at Nottingham train station so while I had my massive wait, I got to catch up with him a little bit and it was lovely.

Now I'm home. I guess a bit of an announcement is that I'm probably going to be moving in with Iain in the foreseeable future, as soon as I get the details, I'm sure I'll blog about it. I'm going to try and be better with this thing. I think my main problem is, I was doing stuff nearly everyday last summer, and that is just not the case this summer. I'll be better though.

Currently Listening to: YOU - Yuya Matsushita

Anime Completed: 214

Gamerscore: 4895

I'm usually into, I guess, heavier music than what I'm listening to at the minute. I love Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade, and GACKT, and Rookiez is Punk'd, and Aqua Timez, and I very rarely find a pop/R'n'B artist that I like. Like, genuinely really enjoy listening to. And really, really rarely.

I just managed to get my hands on Yuya Matsushita's album. I'm a fan of his from other things he's done. Like he played Sebastian in the Kuroshitsuji Musical, and he was in Quartet which was that really awesome J-dorama. Then I listened to his music and I'm suddenly in love with this guy. This is leaving me in a very confusing place, because I've pretty much always been kind of certain about the kind of music I like now.

So I'm just going to leave this video here, because it's been in my head since I heard it earlier.

Today, I finished Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. I'm going to explain why I love Fullmetal Alchemist, and why it will forever be one of my favourite anime shows of all time.

I started watching the first series of Fullmetal Alchemist at a really scary point in my life. I had just lost my nephew, it was results day for my A-levels, and I had just been accepted at Wolverhampton University. I hadn't even finished 10 episodes of it by the time I was visiting Wolverhampton for the first time.

Honestly speaking, I think this is the only series I'll watch that will change me as a person. Maybe it was the timing of me picking this show up, and nothing more than that, but the story of Edward and Alphonse Elric was one that touched me so deeply that I don't have words for it.

Right from the start, I loved and somewhat admired Edward. I loved that he never gave up, no matter how the odds were stacked against him. I loved that he cared so deeply for his brother that he gave up limbs for him without a second thought. I loved that he had both a hilarious side, and serious side. I loved Edward Elric.

And I loved Alphonse. I loved his positive outlook, even in the worst of situations. I loved how was determined to help, and save people who he'd had no attachment to. I loved that he was so kind and caring.

I have honestly tried to take a few of those traits into my own personality. As I've finished Brotherhood, I am in another scary and unsure part of my life, and I am trying my hardest to resolve it in a way that will suit me best. I am trying to have a positive outlook, like Alphonse, and I am trying to be brave, like Edward.

All in all, the fandom of anime will never, ever die. Though this particular series has ended, and broken my heart a little, I will always remember it. I'm going to take the lessons I learnt from these characters, and I am going to continue to walk forward.

He picked me up on Saturday, and we went to Mansfield for about an hour, in an attempt to sort my phone out, which eventually got resolved and I should have my old number back in the next few hours (fingers crossed, anyway). After that, we headed to my Grandma and Grandad's bungalow. I hadn't spoken to my Grandma since I'd gotten back from Wolverhampton, and she was super pissed about it. Like, more than pissed.

I think when she was shouting at me was the point where I just realised all this stuff that was on my shoulders, with my vocal nodes, and crap health at the minute, and missing my friends so much, and not having a job, and not having money, and wanting to move out of my mums, and being harassed every time I tweet something or whatever. I couldn't help but burst out crying (which is bad for my voice, so I started getting panic-y about crying), and then she started crying, and it was horrible. My dad and grandad were stood in the kitchen just trying to keep their heads down. Though it was resolved quickly, and they said I need to keep in better contact. So we had food, and with that, we were off to my brothers flat.

My brother (along with my entire paternal family, thinking about it) is one of those people who I am terrible at keeping in touch with. I hadn't spoken to him since Christmas, and since then, he's found out that he's going to be having a baby. But he hasn't really changed much, he just has baby things hidden in the back room now.

He and his wife (also called Elizabeth Brown now, if you can believe it) were giving me hilarious amounts of advice for trying to get a job, and getting experience in blogging if I want to be a writer, and taking courses in things I'm interested in (we'll get to that blogging thing later). They both said they'd look over my CV for me and help me word it a little better if it needed it. I'm not passing up any advice they give me because they're both pretty successful now. My brothers working on getting his PhD now. Thanks, bro. I'll be able to live up to you, no problem.

After we'd talked about what things we wanted to get for the baby (as one of two Aunties, I shall be looking into purchasing a Jellycat cuddly toy) and then we made our way back to Tibshelf for Chinese food from the take away we used to go to all the time when I was little. I was disappointed by the Vegetarian dishes.

Then it was back to Creswell with my Dad, where I worked on my writing a little bit (setting up for NaNoWriMo in November) and went to bed.

The next day, I rolled out of bed around 11am, and was forced to get ready to go to Creswell Crags. It was actually a really lovely day outside, and was really beautiful. My favourite place was near the new visitors centre, they had a tonne of hand carved signs, but "coming home with the gold of our adventures" was my favourite one.

We had a cup of tea and I had a delicious cupcake, and then we ambled around for an hour before going back to the car. I took a lot of photos and made a lot of notes about certain things as well, as more of my preparation for NaNoWriMo. We got home, had dinner, and then me and Anna had a little bit of a girly time, where she painted my toe nails and forced me to put this face mask on. It was a good time. We watched a Harry Potter film, and then had an early night because it seemed like an unnecessarily long day.

The next day, my phone got sorted out, my dad and Anna went to work, and 15 minutes later, my grandparents came to pick me up to take me shopping. They do it every so often when there's a huge sale on at Next Clearance and I get all my favourite clothes for like, £2 a piece. It's glorious. We had tea at the Thorntons Café and it was lovely, but then I came home because I was exhausted and normal activities of gaming and being scared of the mouse that's currently living in my wardrobe returned and that's about where I am now.

I'm going to make a promise to myself now. I am not updating this blog just for the sake of updating it. I'll force myself to hold of posting , unless I really need a good rant. I think my blog was a lot better last year, when my summer was full of interesting things (like that one week where I was at Download festival for five days, then was in Manchester two days after it finished to see Green Day, and two days after that I was in Birmingham with some of my Uni friends to go and see Derren Brown). So it probably means I'll be posting a hell of a lot less, but I guess whatever I do post will have some level of quality.

That being said, I'll hopefully be seeing Claky in a few days to go to Gay Pride in Nottingham. Who knows, though?

Here's a list of things that I've been doing since my last update:

1 - Looking for jobs in newspapers

2 - I watched all of the Harry Potter films*

3 - My first Xbox 360 that I've had for about a month died

4 - I got a new Xbox 360 Slim as a gift for my half Birthday** and Christmas

5 - I set it up with a HDTV that my mum is lending me, and it's glorious

6 - Watching Only Fools and Horses nearly everyday with my mum and Derek

7 - Sorting out. I'm so close to being done.

So this thing happened where I got this awesome new games console (that turned out to be a lot cheaper than my Wii was when I bought that nearly two years ago) and I've been downloading a couple of demos to try out. I downloaded the Eternal Sonata demo because Wardy said that I could just have his copy for free and I actually loved the demo. Me and Chris were talking about the characters, and stuff like that, and I can't actually wait to get my hands on it.

This has kind of put my cleaning up on hold, but next week, after I see my dad tomorrow, I'm going to start listing stuff on ebay, and it is making me a little nervous I guess. I have some things to post off too for JSA, and more jobs to look for.

Right, a couple of pictures I think because there's a lot of text on this page and I think I should break it up. So my very bland but similarly awesome set up at the minute, and a little picture of my Fallout 3 character should do it I think. I really haven't been out and done things lately.

Fallout Nuka-Cola T-shirt, Mogworld by Yahtzee Croshaw, No More Heroes tattoo, S.H.Figuarts Tsunashi Takuto figure, Fallout 3 Special Edition, Shadows of the Damned, The Fault in our Stars by John Green, Songs in the Key of E-mail by ALL CAPS and material to make my very own Vault 101 Jumpsuit.

I think that's about all. Surprising lack of anime things there, if I do say so myself.

But last week, I did go out with Simon, and it was really cool. We had to walk into Sutton, so I went to his house which took about twenty minutes, and then we walked the rest of the way to town while he was telling me about his Australian accent and giving me examples. We had chip cobs at the café, and I filled him in on what had been happening, like the gig, and I said I'd lend him the DVD. We went around a few shops, and I bought a Fallout 3 expansion (one more to get, though I still have to do Operation: Anchorage) and then we went to Sutton lawn, which was so much fun. Then again, I pretty much always have fun when I'm with him.

The other thing I was going to talk about is fandoms. I've honestly never been that keen on Harry Potter (which makes people look at me with hate sometimes, I swear) and lately there's been a lot of people talking about it being the end of an era with the last film coming out and all. Personally though, I have a couple of completely different fandoms that I'm not too involved in, but I still love them all the same: anime and video games.

I've been gaming for 15 years now, and I started getting into anime about 7 years ago now, I think. However uninvolved I may be with these two, they have lead me to meet some fantastic people who I can happily call my friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends who just aren't that into it, and I love them all the same.

Gaming has been a huge part of my life, from the early days of Mario Kart 64 and Street Fighter

Alpha 2, to now, where I'm about half way through Fallout: New Vegas. And Anime has changed my life, and helped me find new friends at University, and it gave me a new found confidence with chairing WAC for 9 months. I've had a lot of amazing times because of the things I'm into, like drinking and smoking with Wendy Powell and Brad Swaile. And I've never taken them for granted.

I think with all this talk of the Harry Potter story ending for a second time, and a lot of hardcore fans being terrified of this change makes me realise that I am extremely fortunate to love this fandom so much; it won't end, at least not for a very long time. And even if anime stopped being produced, and gaming went under, there are so many old series and games that I could fall back on. I find myself to be very lucky knowing this.

So, now that's out there, I'm thinking about perhaps starting a new blog where I can talk about all things game and anime, maybe with a couple of friends who might be interested in writing about the same things. Who knows? I have a lot of possibilities right now.

Lastly, going back to the illness thing that's been plaguing these posts for a good couple of weeks now. I have a gaming injury. I'd been sitting playing Fallout for so long that when the game crashed and I went to restart it, I had an incredibly bad stabbing pain that went down my back, and it was killing me to breathe because it hurt so much. Turns out because I'd been sitting for so long, I'd knotted my muscles in my back, so I'm officially not gaming for a few more days. I'm on day 4 of bed confinement. It's just so special.

That's all I have, but Becca and Allan are here with his parents, and seeing as I've just spent an hour on the phone trying to sort out banks and job seekers, I'm going to go and say hello before I start panicking about impending meetings.

1) Illness. I'm having a few minor health problems. It's kind of a massive deal for me, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm not dying, so I guess it would be considered minor. Maybe I'll talk about this in the future.

2) Sorting out. I'm in the process (still) of sorting out my room which seems to turn over more nostalgia than anything else in the entire universe. I'm currently in the process of making scrap books. And I'm keeping birthday cards from years and years ago because I'm a sentimental fool. I hope I don't have to mention all this again, unless I'm typing the words "my sorting out is done, I've magically sold enough dresses and costume jewellery to pay my rent until I find a job."

3) Gaming. It's been a really long time since I've been into gaming like I am now. I picked up Fable II at a car boot sale for £3, and I'd played a bit of it before, and didn't completely hate it, so I played that through, and enjoyed it. My character, however, was much too good to marry any old NPC, so she married a prostitute. And it's spit out more gamer points than I have for Left 4 Dead 2, which I've spent a considerably longer time on.

The latter is actually my main problem. I think I got about half way through Bioshock 2 before I put that on the shelf. I'm not giving up on it, I just have other things I could be playing. Like Fallout 3 now that I have The Pitt (which I've finished already) and Operation: Anchorage.

I sold an old gold necklace the other day for £50, so naturally decided that my best course of action was to buy the cheapest copy of Fallout: New Vegas I could find. Now that it's on it's way, I don't really have the intention of buying any more games for a long while, unless I find Beautiful Katamari for £3. Well, there is the point that I'm going to trade in the four Fallout 3 expansions I've got, used and now have no need for, but that's not technically buying a game.

But this got me to thinking, I now have something to track on the end of my blog posts again, and once my laptops media players are sorted out, I can keep track of my finished anime series again, which is kind of exciting. So yeah, I'll keep track of my gamerscore on the bottom of this thing now.

I think I just needed to get this out of my system. So here's my final summation. Fable II was good, Bioshock 2 wasn't so good, Fallout 3 is my 4th favourite game of all time (No More Heroes, Starfox Adventures, Mario 64, then Fallout 3) and I still have a tonne of other games I borrowed that I should probably play on. I finished Vanquish. I have no desire to play on Viva Piñata just so that my favourite piñatas get killed by sucky, more vicious piñatas. The Kameo disc I'm borrowing is temperamental and decides not to work when it's having a bad day. I can't be bothered to replay Left 4 Dead, when Left 4 Dead 2 was so much better. And Brutal Legend just speaks for itself.

I needed this ramble so badly. I talked games at Simon earlier, and I don't think he cared about it all too much.

Gamerscore: 4280

Cam actually talked to me about it the other day, and I'm taking it as a good thing, where I get the opportunity to set up so that I can take this band thing seriously when my voice has recovered.

But seriously, Karma, you owe me one.

I'm trying to put a brave face on this in all honesty. I enjoy singing, so, so much, and I can't really do it for the mean time without risking causing serious damage. And no more spicy noodle cups. I love Shin Cups more than life, as well.

Okay, so I'm playing on Bioshock 2. I know I haven't really played on Bioshock 1 yet. I watched Megan play it once and when me and Tom were still seeing each other he made me play it while he got ready for lecture this one time so I played on it for all of half an hour. I'm not, not enjoying it. I know Bioshock is supposed to be this unnessasary sequel that everyone hates, but it's not bad. This is from my outside perspective, so I'm sure if I ever get around to playing on Bioshock 1, it'll enhance my experience.

And for now, I'm sorting out my room, and I came across a massive, ridiculous haul of costume jewellery, and my silver necklaces from when I was a kid, and I cleared out all my clothes, and I'm going to start car booting and e-baying my old stuff. I need the money more than anything right now. Though the one thing I'm going to be sad to see go is my prom dress, so I thought I'd pay a little homage to it.

And while that really old picture is there (well, I say really old, it's just gone past two years old) I'm just going to take this chance to say, I really don't think I've changed how I look since prom.

Anyway, I kind of loved that dress, but I have no excuse to wear it any more, so I'm going to be selling it. I think that's going to be the thing I'll be the most sad about selling.

I thought this was worthy of posting on my blog. I'm going to go to bed now, and probably watch Toy Story 3, because it's been brought up about 4932 times today.

What I'd love right now is to play Soul Calibur with him and talk things over so I know he's okay, and then we'd have tea and a cigarette. There are no words for how much I miss him right now.

In an ideal world, I live on a street with Iain, Claky, Simon, Laura, Chris and all my other awesome friends and then I don't have to feel alone any more, and I can exist without feeling so helpless.

I don't know how to deal with loss.

On the 7th of June 2009, I lost my nephew, Joshua. It something that I never really talk about any more. It's not because I don't remember him, nor is it because I don't care. It's just painful. Far too painful. And I don't know why it's so painful, because I never met Joshua. No, that chance was taken away from me all too quickly. But I love him all the same, and I know he would have been the most amazing person in the world.

Honestly speaking though, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how I'm supposed to grieve. I've never lost anyone close before, and losing someone who I'd never 'found' in the first place is just something I have no idea how to handle.

I know people have gone through so much worse, like my sister losing her only son for example. But if anyone has any idea how I'm supposed to cope with the thought of never meeting my nephew, and never being able to help my sister be alright, and that causes me so much anguish, I need that help.

I don't want to have to do this on my own any more. I miss my nephew. I miss the thought of him being around, and watching him grow up. I miss my sister, and how she used to be.

Can someone please help me deal with this?

It's actually really kind of strange being back and spending all of my time on my own. I've spent 24/7 in the company of Iain for the past three weeks and now that he isn't around, it's really strange. It's pretty literally 24/7 as well. We shared a room because we both hate sleeping alone, we'd get up together, then have a cup of tea, a slice of toast and a cigarette while he played on Magic: The Gathering on the Xbox and I'd watch, and then eventually he'd let me play on Fallout 3 and I'd spend a lot of time on that, then we'd go to Asda, or the local shop and spend the evening eating Fudge bars, smoking and either playing on Left4Dead 2 (I always played as Ellis, and he'd always play as Nick) or Halo.

It kind of changed in the middle when I got my own Xbox and Lewis took his away, so there was no Magic. But generally, we'd spend a lot of our time gaming. I managed to spend nearly 60 hours playing on Fallout 3 in a week, because horrifically addicted, and then ill, so that was obviously a productive period in my life. Before I left, we got into the habit of playing on Soul Calibur IV just as we got up, and Iain made a character called Faust who he totally fell in love with.

For someone who doesn't play MTG all that much though, it was so dull in parts. My friend Qamar is just learning how to play, and has had about 3 weeks of playing, but he made us all get DCI numbers and we entered ourselves in a tournament. Of course it was the day after the BBQ where I was kept up until 3am, and woken up at 6:30am. But as I was saying, there was a lot of Magic talk going off, and it was so annoying at parts. Like on Tuesday where we were walking back from Asda and I was close to passing out from the heat and Lewis was still persisting with talking about something that I couldn't have given a shit about. Iain was kind enough to actually ask if I was alright and keep me balanced though.

But at this tournament, out of 10 people, I came 8th, and seeing as my experience in Magic is kind of limited, I'm happy with that. I won my first two Magic cards. I actually had a really good time playing against Lee, and it was great that Lewis didn't end up going due to hangover. I know that sounds mean, but he had been doing my head in massively.

I guess at the end of all this, not a whole bunch really happened. I've enjoyed spending time with Iain, and I miss him. I hope that I can somehow get him to come here and meet my other friends. He is most definitely one of my best friends, and writing this is making me want to cry. I probably won't see him until his birthday in August now, but I'm going to save and make sure I can go.

I'm going to post something else tomorrow, that will be ridiculously personal. All that I can say is that it's strange how time really goes.