I'm surrounded by all these things that I didn't think I needed at University, but now I'm struggling to see how I've been coping without all of these things. Like my weird fairy lights from Paperchase, the Seal-shaped seasoning I bought in London, my Edward Elric figurine, or the masses of manga that I own. I'm failing to see how I can feel at home without the Lucky Star wall scroll that Badge bought me or my masses of cuddly toys.

I was fine being back at University. I came home to beg and plead for money so that I could pay my rent, and I have to leave here tomorrow straight after dinner so that I can be back in Wolverhampton and safe before it gets dark. I'd hoped that I'd get the chance to see Claky, and Simon at least for a little while, while I had the chance, but I won't.

Now it's a long wait until December before I get to see them, because no one other than Laura has really said anything about coming to see me since I left, and I even doubt her commitment to come and stay with me.

I think me coming home was a mistake, because I miss everyone more than I have in my entire life. I'm desperate to wake my parents up so that I can watch stupid TV shows with them while I'm here. And when I think about my friends who I won't get to see, I want to cry. I'm a lot stronger than that now - I had my moment of crying about who I miss a couple of nights ago when Tom and me were talking about home. It hurts to think about the fact that when I saw Ethan today, for a few seconds, he had no idea who I was, and that Jaden barely knew what to say to me.

Out of all my friends at University, I'm the one that lives the furthest away - I live a monumental journey away. It takes hours, and it's tedious, and I hate it. While everyone else can just decide on a whim to go home for the weekend and wonder back on a Monday, I can't do that. The only other people in anyway similar to me are Andy, my smoking buddy, and Chris Black, because they come from Kent and Norfolk. But they have friends that visit them a lot, and they live in a corridor full of their friends.

I no longer have the luxary of going back on a Friday afternoon, because I have club to run. I can't really wonder back on a Monday, because again, I have club to run. It takes me a while to get ready for club, and I don't think I could ever make that journey while I'm looking at my phone, hoping that I'll have enough time to prepare everything, and think everything through so I'm not missing anything.

I honestly thought being chair of anime would be easy - I had so many people willing me on, I assumed that it would be so easy there would be no challenge. But I've already had to stop people from laughing at an anime and distracting other people, I've already had to shout at Chris, and every club, I have to answer the same stupid question about the deadline for an art competition. I was proud to be the chairwoman of anime. I thought it would be fun, but it turns out, it's another chore that I hate. I can't take people telling me that the anime I chose is shit. It makes me want to tell them to fuck off if they don't like it. I'd lose so many members in the process, and one of them is a good friend of mine.

So to sum up, because I need to sleep before I start crying, I'm not happy. Similarly, I'm not unhappy. When I'm out at Walkabout, or Planet, I feel fantastic. When I'm in halls watching Highschool Of The Dead in bed with Tom, I feel amazing. When I'm sat in a room full of people expecting to be amazed by whatever is projected onto the screen, I feel pressured. Whenever people tell me they hate the anime, I feel like a failure.

I'm more stressed out about club than I ever thought I would be, and what made me realise that is when I came home - I saw my posters, and con-badges, and figures, and wall scrolls. I realise that my love for anime is slowly going away. And it's because of this stupid club and how no one seems to appreciate how much effort I've put into it.

I get Monday off after I announce that we're going to west park on the 6th of November to see the Bonfire and Fireworks. I never thought that a fucking bar crawl would be my down time.

This is the most disjointed blog I've ever posted.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my passion.

Rather than explaining how awesome the night was, I'll just upload the pictures. The last one is of us and Mr Gilbert from The Inbetweeners. Oh yes. So Planet was awesome, Tom showed up, I got very drunk, then I was sick, while Tom held my hair back. It was just, great xD

Plus we got shots, on the house. It was wicked.

I'm going out for Carly's birthday tonight, dressed as a cat. It's going to be great, I'm sure xD

So Planet. That was the last Thursday I updated. I managed to get Kris and Andy to go, which meant Gaz went, which was great. Todd was there, with his friend Tom and the guy who used to live in the room underneath me, Paul. I hadn't seen Paul since early May, perhaps April, so it was really good to see him. I managed to get his Facebook so that I can pretend I'll stay in touch with him, but I probably won't. But we caught up a bit.

I barely spoke to Todd, I gave my number away to like a million different million people, pulled, and pulled again. The positive thing about me going to Planet was making up with Chris Black, which all my friends can't see why I did. It was a weird experience, but I kept seeing him around and I'd got into this spasm where I'd be like "shitshitshitwhatthefuckdoIdo?" so towards the end of the night, I pulled him aside and asked him if I could talk to him. The first thing he said was "You'd better be apologising" and I didn't think it would end well. But it was a good talk. It ended with him saying he still thought I was a really nice person and that we could still be friends.

There isn't that much else to tell from inside Planet. I spent a lot of time in the smoking area, and when I did go inside, I remember The Used coming on, and I turned to Tom and Kris and just started singing like it was the best moment of my life. We stayed at Planet until it closed at 4am, then took the long walk to Asda.

One of the guys who I 'pulled' that night (called Andy) decided to drag me the 'shorter' way to Asda while Todd, Tom, Paul and David walked the other way. I got a text from Tom about a minute after we'd separated saying "Let me know you get home safe please x" and I found out later, they were rather sure I was going to get raped. The best form of help is definitely a text.

But I met up with them all at Asda. Being in Asda seemed to take a fucking age. Then I lost Tom, I went to find Tom by the side of Asda near the trollies, and we sad there for like ten minutes just smoking and talking. Then we remembered that we were with about 5 other people and went to find them. We went to Tom's after losing Andy and his mate who I was talking to about RPG.

But we got to Tom's. I played on Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and got bored, then played on Halo Reach, and sucked at that, so me and Tom went out for a fag, and Paul, Todd and David watched Avatar apparently. Me and Tom went out for a long ass time. I'm in two minds about my actions that night. Tom told me pretty bluntly that he liked me, and honestly, I kinda liked him too.

But my life has been hectic as hell. It's been all about seeing Tom, hosting clubs, going to my friends societies, drinking with Kris and company, and for the past day, watching Glee.

I've learnt a few things in the past week though:

1 - Never use more sauce than you need, it clogs up the sink.

2 - Glee isn't that good.

3 - Company is the best way to get over an illness.

4 - The Bro Code apparently doesn't mean as much as I thought it would

5 - Halls are a lot lonelier than I remember.

Other than that, it's been rather dull. I'm sleeping all the time that I'm not with Tom, or at clubs. Oh, and I've been reading Catching Fire.

Yeah, that's about all. I'm a pretty happy person either way.

But again, this is just a lesson for me. I've had a lot of those lately.

But yeah, Monday, before I went to Babylon, I held the first Anime Club meeting. All in all, I don't think it went to bad, but it was really off putting when people were talking, and I was already the most nervous person of all time because that room was surprisingly full. But I went through the power point, I had Cam pose as LeLouche at the front of the room because there was no picture for Code Geass, we plugged the right people, every society linked in anyway to Anime plugged themselves, it went over okay. I also attacked Luke with a Hello Kitty stamp, and I can't remember why, but it was hilarious.

Then we had a quiz, hosted by club bancho's Lee and Paul, which was tough as nails, but they included questions about Aya Hirano, and Brad Swaile, so it was the best quiz ever in my opinion.

Then I put Black Rock Shooter on, and went to mark the quizzes, and Cam's team won. That was all good. Lee and Paul did the answers part very quickly, and my heart practically leapt out of my chest when, in answer to the Brad Swaile question, they'd put up my picture with Brad from Amecon and it made me miss Amecon all over again. It did make me smile though.

Then it was off for a drink, then I had to leave early so I could get to Babylon on time.

Next day was J-Soc. J-Soc was something I wasn't entirely sure I was going to enjoy, because in all my life, I've watched one J-Dorama, and that was Densha Otoko. But it was great fun. We learn little Japanese phrases and learn how to use chopsticks, and just general stuff about Japanese culture that you'd never really need to know. We're watching to J-Dorama's. One being Princess Princess D which Luke and TLM just refuse to watch and Maid in Akihabara which was quite hilarious. And then we're watching a Tokusatsu (which I believe means Live-Action) called Kamen Rider Den-O and it's badass. It was a very fun meeting, I can't wait for the next one. I could miss a little bit of Walkabout for that.

So, Wednesday are TCG, which I don't really gain anything from as it stands because my Yu-Gi-Oh! deck is at home. I miss my Ruby Carbuncle. It's looking like I'll have to go home this weekend because my laptop isn't doing so good, and I need to pick up the spare one we have. So I might start benefiting from going to TCG after that. Plus I'm entered in the league too, so I kind of need it. But it was nice to hang out with everyone. Luke actually confided in me, and that was great. It feels like I'm actually making friends with all these people I've known for over a year now.

So today is a day when I won't see anyone, or talk to anyone. I suppose it's not that bad because I have a cold coming on. That's in my favour, of course, when I have another Anime meeting to do tomorrow, and I'll be in Nottingham on Saturday, providing I feel better anyway.

I feel a bit lame to be honest. I haven't seen or really spoken to my friends from home or family in over a month now, things with Todd just aren't working, and I just feel so lame about it all.

I went to Babylon for the first time ever on Monday, and I have to remember how absolutely awesome it was. There were just certain things about that place that make me want to go back. For example, them playing the best music ever. Like the first Pokemon theme, The Fresh Prince of Belair theme, the Friends theme, and actually putting A1 on after we requested it. Not to mention, the whole time, we were stood on a dance floor that was slippy because of the amount of popcorn that was on there. It was a popcorn night. That meant there was popcorn every where.

But for the most part, I want to remember the Pokemon theme being played, and me and Richard being the only people we were with who knew the lyrics to the entire song.

Badass night.

Before I make a proper post about my weekend, which will be tomorrow before my first club meeting (oh, the nerves) I wanted to ask an actual question, which I haven't done on here in a very long time.

Aside from any new Sarra Manning books, and John Green books which are not plentiful, it's been a long time since I've read something by someone new. Suzanne Collins is amazing, The Hunger Games so far is beautiful and horrifying, and I'd like to carry on reading after I've finished The Hunger Games Trilogy.

I forgot how different reading novels and reading manga was.

This is the only moment in a gig where someone has said something, and I've broken down into tears. Nathan, my hero, saying this made me more determined to change myself than ever.

I keep thinking about everything I said, and everything he said, and the way we skipped across roads quickly in Birmingham holding hands. I keep thinking about the train ride from Birmingham and how he held me when he found out one of my darkest secrets, telling me that everything was alright. I keep thinking about the way we'd look at each other while we were in Planet, and the way we laughed when he accidentally spilt beer over himself. I think about when I told him I liked him, and the way he smiled when he said it back. I think about when we got back to mine and we held each other, and the way I'd bury myself in him when I got freaked out by the movie we were watching. But most of all, I keep thinking about the happiness that was welling up from inside of me, like it never had before.

I don't know what to do.

So lets kick it back up for part 2 of the really long blog post series, as I’m lying in bed, watching Russell Brand: Scandalous.

Since my last blog I’ve realised that Saturday was the day that I went over to see Chris and Kris and watch them play World of Warcraft for what seemed like a lifetime. I had a very Chris filled day.

I already miss the first week because a lot of stuff went off. Sunday, nothing happened as far as I can remember. Monday, Chris came to see me again to help me sort out my uni-related woes and in the end, we ended up buying pizza, eating the pizza, then having the most painful pillow fight of my life. There were like, knives involved and shite. I miss hanging out with Chris so much, it’s surprisingly hard to spend stupid amounts of time with him when he doesn’t live in Compton anymore. It was so much easier when we were a free bus ride apart.

Tuesday, day time, balls all happened. Then Kris invited me out drinking. I think he meant to do it as a friendly gesture, but I was there. We went to his friend, Richard’s house, and it just so happened that Varun from club lived with him, so we had a rather nerdy conversation about anime and the forums.

Then there’s this void of memory. I know Kris gave me £20 because I was poor, I remember 3 Green Day songs coming on in a row, I remember trying A-Bombs, I remember liking Walkabout, and I remember buying a bar crawl t-shirt. Why I came home with 2 rubber ducks in tow, I will never know. I know I had one when we were stood outside Chris Black’s window squeaking them, but I don’t know how I acquired the second one in the space of about 20 metres.

I also remember being sick outside halls by myself. I’m a classy lady.

The next day, my first ever hangover looming overhead, I had to go and meet Megan. I walked to Uni feeling like I was about to pass out, trying to piece together what the fuck had happened the night before. Megan disapproved of my excessive drinking, of course. But we went along to City Bar which is our food venue of choice, had lovely food and then just wondered around the shops. Spent an insane amount of time in Forbidden Planet. I finally got Tegami Bachi 3~!

Thursday was a very jam-packed day. I got up, got my shit together, and dragged my sorry still-not-completely-recovered ass to Cam’s place for the pancakes I was promised the week before. Then I had to walk back to Asda to get milk that I had to buy because Cam is dealing with hard times. To be fair, his pancakes were AMAZING and well worth buying the milk for. I felt very grown up sat in my friends flat waiting for breakfast while Cam and Luke talked about communal milk.

After that, we walked to university where I met Megan and Gabriella, sat in the cafe for half an hour while they had a discussion about shaving and then I went to the student office. Details not needed. Then we headed into town, went shopping in Asda, went to mine, went to New Look and I didn’t even have the time to pay for what I wanted so I left my money and hair flower with Gabriella and had to dash off to my SU meeting which was one of the dullest experiences of my life, but something I needed to do. I went back home after that which I felt was well deserved because I’d been out for many, many hours.

That night, Chris Black talked to me for the first time since the WoW evening that I endured and invited me over when he was back from his house party that he was going to. I said yes because I’m desperate for human contact whenever I’m alone. Of course, he didn’t get back until 2 in the morning when I was about to go to bed. Regardless, I went over to his, didn’t get to sleep until about 7 in the morning, and didn’t wake up until half 4 that afternoon.

So that weekend was JCC. I checked my bank, I checked the trains, there was no way it was going to happen. I wasn’t all that interested because JCC is a poor convention in comparison to Kita and Ame. So not a lot happened that weekend. I think I might have been around to Kris’ at some point to complete the first bit of Starfox Adventures for him so he would actually play it. Saying that, he hasn’t mentioned it since, so I doubt my tactic worked. Then we had a game on Mario Kart 64 (where I beat Kris) and Mario Kart Wii (where Kris slaughtered me). Whenever that was, it was a good time.

Monday was bar crawl day~. Not much really happened all day. It was around five when I met up with Kris, who I was going on the bar crawl with. He is a lovely human being. He was panicking about his t-shirt not having anything on it. Mine was very plain. I didn't realise that panicking about a shirt being plain was anything to worry about, until mayhem ensued with him running around, pens in hand, trying desperately to think of something 80's themed to put on his shirt. It was a shite theme.