Cam actually talked to me about it the other day, and I'm taking it as a good thing, where I get the opportunity to set up so that I can take this band thing seriously when my voice has recovered.

But seriously, Karma, you owe me one.

I'm trying to put a brave face on this in all honesty. I enjoy singing, so, so much, and I can't really do it for the mean time without risking causing serious damage. And no more spicy noodle cups. I love Shin Cups more than life, as well.

Okay, so I'm playing on Bioshock 2. I know I haven't really played on Bioshock 1 yet. I watched Megan play it once and when me and Tom were still seeing each other he made me play it while he got ready for lecture this one time so I played on it for all of half an hour. I'm not, not enjoying it. I know Bioshock is supposed to be this unnessasary sequel that everyone hates, but it's not bad. This is from my outside perspective, so I'm sure if I ever get around to playing on Bioshock 1, it'll enhance my experience.

And for now, I'm sorting out my room, and I came across a massive, ridiculous haul of costume jewellery, and my silver necklaces from when I was a kid, and I cleared out all my clothes, and I'm going to start car booting and e-baying my old stuff. I need the money more than anything right now. Though the one thing I'm going to be sad to see go is my prom dress, so I thought I'd pay a little homage to it.

And while that really old picture is there (well, I say really old, it's just gone past two years old) I'm just going to take this chance to say, I really don't think I've changed how I look since prom.

Anyway, I kind of loved that dress, but I have no excuse to wear it any more, so I'm going to be selling it. I think that's going to be the thing I'll be the most sad about selling.

I thought this was worthy of posting on my blog. I'm going to go to bed now, and probably watch Toy Story 3, because it's been brought up about 4932 times today.

What I'd love right now is to play Soul Calibur with him and talk things over so I know he's okay, and then we'd have tea and a cigarette. There are no words for how much I miss him right now.

In an ideal world, I live on a street with Iain, Claky, Simon, Laura, Chris and all my other awesome friends and then I don't have to feel alone any more, and I can exist without feeling so helpless.

I don't know how to deal with loss.

On the 7th of June 2009, I lost my nephew, Joshua. It something that I never really talk about any more. It's not because I don't remember him, nor is it because I don't care. It's just painful. Far too painful. And I don't know why it's so painful, because I never met Joshua. No, that chance was taken away from me all too quickly. But I love him all the same, and I know he would have been the most amazing person in the world.

Honestly speaking though, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how I'm supposed to grieve. I've never lost anyone close before, and losing someone who I'd never 'found' in the first place is just something I have no idea how to handle.

I know people have gone through so much worse, like my sister losing her only son for example. But if anyone has any idea how I'm supposed to cope with the thought of never meeting my nephew, and never being able to help my sister be alright, and that causes me so much anguish, I need that help.

I don't want to have to do this on my own any more. I miss my nephew. I miss the thought of him being around, and watching him grow up. I miss my sister, and how she used to be.

Can someone please help me deal with this?

It's actually really kind of strange being back and spending all of my time on my own. I've spent 24/7 in the company of Iain for the past three weeks and now that he isn't around, it's really strange. It's pretty literally 24/7 as well. We shared a room because we both hate sleeping alone, we'd get up together, then have a cup of tea, a slice of toast and a cigarette while he played on Magic: The Gathering on the Xbox and I'd watch, and then eventually he'd let me play on Fallout 3 and I'd spend a lot of time on that, then we'd go to Asda, or the local shop and spend the evening eating Fudge bars, smoking and either playing on Left4Dead 2 (I always played as Ellis, and he'd always play as Nick) or Halo.

It kind of changed in the middle when I got my own Xbox and Lewis took his away, so there was no Magic. But generally, we'd spend a lot of our time gaming. I managed to spend nearly 60 hours playing on Fallout 3 in a week, because horrifically addicted, and then ill, so that was obviously a productive period in my life. Before I left, we got into the habit of playing on Soul Calibur IV just as we got up, and Iain made a character called Faust who he totally fell in love with.

For someone who doesn't play MTG all that much though, it was so dull in parts. My friend Qamar is just learning how to play, and has had about 3 weeks of playing, but he made us all get DCI numbers and we entered ourselves in a tournament. Of course it was the day after the BBQ where I was kept up until 3am, and woken up at 6:30am. But as I was saying, there was a lot of Magic talk going off, and it was so annoying at parts. Like on Tuesday where we were walking back from Asda and I was close to passing out from the heat and Lewis was still persisting with talking about something that I couldn't have given a shit about. Iain was kind enough to actually ask if I was alright and keep me balanced though.

But at this tournament, out of 10 people, I came 8th, and seeing as my experience in Magic is kind of limited, I'm happy with that. I won my first two Magic cards. I actually had a really good time playing against Lee, and it was great that Lewis didn't end up going due to hangover. I know that sounds mean, but he had been doing my head in massively.

I guess at the end of all this, not a whole bunch really happened. I've enjoyed spending time with Iain, and I miss him. I hope that I can somehow get him to come here and meet my other friends. He is most definitely one of my best friends, and writing this is making me want to cry. I probably won't see him until his birthday in August now, but I'm going to save and make sure I can go.

I'm going to post something else tomorrow, that will be ridiculously personal. All that I can say is that it's strange how time really goes.